Big families talk about discrimination, siblings, and how it has helped them grow

There's a lot of crazy information out there about large families.  But what's really true? 

     I went on my Instagram and reached out to my Instagram friends who are part of big families. I gave them a series of questions, and here's how they answered!

The Questions

1. Why did you/your parents decide to have a big family.

2. What are the positives about being in a big family?

3. Negatives?

4. Do you think our society discriminates large families?

5. If so, what are your/your parent's experience with it? What are some rude comments you have received? 

6. Are you planning on having a big family in the future? 

7. What are some misconceptions about big families?

8. What are some things you would want people to know about big families?

9. Lastly, has being in a big family helped with your character/skills?

And now, the answers

@cmbwritermouse family of 10

1: I’ve never really asked my parents this so I’m not one hundred percent sure but I don’t think they really “planned” to have a big family persay. It was more of being open to the gifts of God when they come. At least that’s my guess.

2: There’s never a dull moment! Ever. If I’m ever bored I can just go see what one of my siblings is doing which half the time is something crazy. Also I’d say the sibling bond is pretty great (even if we’re constantly fighting each other) This might just be because I’m the second oldest (oldest girl) but I love it when my siblings welcome me home after I’m gone for a while because they always get all excited and shout my name which can really warm my heart. By far my favorite part of being in a large family is all the different personalities; it really nails home that everyone is unique which I think is an important thing to understand about the world in general.

3: It’s really hard sometimes to find a quiet time to yourself, especially if you share a room (which I do) A nice trick I use is listening to music with earbuds but that’s a double edged sword because then if one of my siblings gets hurt or my parents call my name, I won’t hear them. I also have to babysit a lot, more so than usual due to the pandemic, which can be frustrating because it tends to derail my plans for the day. Another negative is that there’s just some stuff we can’t do as often because it’s difficult like traveling (the amount of potty breaks alone is scream inducing) Also it’s a nightmare trying to get everyone out of the house on time for appointments. Someone is always missing a shoe (check under the bed if that happens to you; 70% chance it’s under there.)

4/5: A little yeah. It’s kind of a mixed bag. Sometimes you get people saying stuff like “you have a beautiful family” and then other times you get weird looks that make you feel embarrassed even though they didn’t directly say anything, or if they do say something it’s usually an uncomfortable joke about my parents. I know my mom is very sensitive to that sort of stuff  probably because she’s the one who receives those sort of comments the most as far as I’m aware. It’s frustrating because of how it always seems implied that my parents were irresponsible or that having a lot of kids is a burden better avoided or that if you do have a big family you’re not supposed to take them out all together. Does that mean that society discriminated against big families? I honestly don’t know but there’s definitely been times where it felt like we were being judged or unwelcome.

6: I’m open to having a big family in the future if I get married. That would be on my husband and me to talk about though.

7: I kind of already addressed this a little on the society question, but one misconception is that we’re a big family because my parents were “careless”. Being open to life doesn’t mean having as many kids as possible though, just that we’re not going to actively try to unnaturally prevent life or reject one if it comes along. Another misconception I think is that we’re missing out on a “regular” childhood just because we don’t often do those things. Yes it’s harder to go on vacations. Does that mean we never go on them or do anything fun? No!

9: I think it has. One, I’m pretty good with little kids since I help take care of my little siblings a lot. That’s also given me a lot of patience too (although I think I still need more to deal with them sometimes) and a better understanding of how different people can view the same situation in different ways. That’s something that’s helped me a lot with my writing particularly in creating characters. I think being in a big family has also definitely helped me learn the importance of responsibility and hard work, as well as not taking things for granted.

@oceanemcallister family of 8

1. My mom always wanted to have six kids, and then the last two I guess God just wanted us to have! XD

2. You learn how to be a team player and you build valuable communication skills. You also learn early on not to be selfish (everything ends up being shared XD)

3. I’d say you can get lost in such a big group. It can feel a little lonely because it’s hard for your parents to devote one-on-one time since there are so many.

4. In some ways, yes. Though it really depends.

5. People are always shocked and assume my parents must have had previous relationships (because no sane person would have eight kids with just one spouse, right?) They also think my mom (as a stay-at-home mother) is crazy for doing it, when actually this was always a dream of hers.

6. Haha, no. I truly value the experiences of being the oldest of eight, but I don’t think I could parent that many! I think it requires a special sort of person to be able to do that, and I don’t think I am. However, I don’t pretend to know better than God, so if that’s the plan he has for me, then so be it.

7. I think one is that we’re all mistreated? Because people can’t believe that a large family is a healthy family because how can there possibly be order? When, in fact, we’re thriving. Another is that there’s no way we can afford to live comfortably with that many kids.

8. That they’re extremely fun! There’s never a dull moment in my house, and you learn such valuable life skills. Plus, who doesn’t love a precious, adorable baby every two years? XD

9. I’ve developed strong leadership skills, I think. A lot of responsibility was given to me at a young age, and so I grew as a leader through that. You also learn to deal with and encourage various ages, since there are so many. I know how to effectively handle (or try to, haha) anyone from age 0-teenhood. You learn a lot about humans in general—how they react, think, and adapt. I also am a pretty good budgeter! There’s nothing like having eight kids on one paycheck to help you get creative with how to save. It also taught me the value of independence, hard work, and frugality.

@laurendfulter_author family 5

1) Our family is Catholic, so it's in the church teaching to respect life. 

2) You get to be around a LOT of people. You're never lonely, and always have someone to go, and team up with. Also bonus, when your brother goes to your highschool and you can take on the world. 😂

3) Messy. Very messy. You can't control everything, and very often you get in fights with siblings (but usually they're resolved within 30 minutes.)

4) I personally think society discriminates against large families because it's so far from the new social "norm". They think large families are an inconvenience and "cruel" somehow to the children, and being selfish?? The thought process is one of someone who thinks they're doing good, but really doesn't understand how the traditional family works, as we've been taught to live a certain way.

5) Lot's of "these are all yours?" and weird, disgusted looks. My mom has gotten the "do you know what birth control is?" comment. Usually, just not acknowledge it, or give a polite response.

6) If I get married, yes! Of course!

7) Kinda answered this in 4 ... but that it's "selfish" and "bad for the kids", or that the parents are just stupid.

8) That they're awesome, and many of them come from hard working, faith loving parents. No, we're not sad and depressed, and feel taken advantage of by all of our siblings. 

9) Patience. Lots of patience. I can participate better in social situations, and little kids are easier to handle. With a big family, you learn a lot.

@elanaszahn family of 16

Elana's blog: https://elanaszahn.wordpress.com/ 

Elana's Youtube: https://m.youtube.com/channel/UC1yWk6UgVfG-PbVKg2yCHtw?sub_confirmation=1 

Question 1: They both wanted big families. They each wanted 8, so the joke is they got what they wanted ‘cause there’s 16 of us😂 They let the Lord lead ultimately on how many kids they’d have but they did want a lot :)

Question 2: There’s soooo much love. We’re all so close to one another & we’re best friends. We’re not lonely often & there’s usually someone who enjoys the same activities we do, even if not everyone does. For example, I have 2 brothers who love music like I do. I have another brother who likes photography like I do. & my little sister likes to watch Gilmore girls with me, things of that sort. It’s really entertaining telling people about my family & it’s crazy fun & loud at home.

Question 3: It requires a lot of sacrifice. Most of the time I have to give up my own agenda & wants because someone needs my help or wants to do something else. With so many people, there’s so many more things that could happen that interrupt your time & peace, & you have to learn to love & serve through it & not be selfish.

Question 4: Growing up it always surprised people but now big families are becoming more normal. I think a lot of the times people think my parents are crazy & can’t handle it but that’s not even close to true, they’re amazing & we all take care of each other.

Question 5: I don’t know about my parents, but I haven’t encountered much rudeness, partially because of where I live, everyone’s nice here. The only thing is people are always watching us & we have to be more polite & careful or people will start wondering if we’re being well taken care of. Like I said, my family/parents do so good but some people definitely assume things.  It’s also hard because sometimes we aren’t invited or welcomed places because there’s just too many of us to accommodate for.

Question 6: Nope! Unless God changes my heart & circumstances, that’s not something I personally want. A lot of my siblings do though! & I think it’s just a matter of what our passions are individually. For example, I like traveling, conversations & doing one on one activities . Whereas some of my siblings like housekeeping & taking care of lots of kids :)

Question 7: It’s just a lot of kids & sometimes people think that two parents can’t handle it & provide like they should. It’s definitely true that we get less attention & gifts, but like I said, there’s so much love in my home & my parents are legit super heroes! Us kids take care of & look out for each other too :) It helps that there’s so many of us, ‘cause everyone’s just really helpful & attentive & there’s always someone to get you what you need & listen to your problems, we’re family & we work together.

Question 8: It’s crazy. It’s loud & obnoxious, stuff breaks & people yell & there’s not much peace and quiet😂 But we’re made for community, as humans we should be surrounded by people who love us & care for us, & that’s exactly what it’s like in a big family. You’re surrounded 24/7 by your best friends, your team, your confidence & the people who love you most. Even though it’s crazy, different, & difficult sometimes, it’s also crazy to be so well loved & so surrounded, it teaches you so much. It’s a huge blessing & I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Question 9: It’s pretty easy for me to love anyone & everyone & to make genuine friends. With so many people in my home, there’s always someone getting on my nerves & I’ve had to learn to love despite that. I can’t just cut the toxic people out of my life, & I’ve learned that working through your problems & committing yourself to your family & friends no matter what, that’s what gets you good, healthy relationships. There’s also a lot asked of me, & I’ve had to learn how to sacrifice my own desires for others & their needs. With all the craziness I’ve had to learn how to stay calm & communicate well, & to be ready for anything life throws at me. I love the lessons I’ve learned from my family, there’s so much I can’t even mention, but it’s all so good.

@the_cozybookworm family of 6

1: My dad came from a big family (6 kids just like us.)

2: Life is never boring - LOL. You always have people you love around you.

3: Not really any.

4: I think our society looks down on large families because society looks down on traditional families, godly marriages and any pattern that follows God’s design. Society looks at children as something to be avoided as long as possible. God looks at children as blessings.

5: I’m sure we’ve received rude comments. It is more a general tone shouted by our culture. 

6: I would love that, but my husband and I have had two miscarriages prior to being blessed with our first born daughter. She is our joy. I would love for her to have a sibling if God allows. 

7: 🤷🏻‍♀️

8: They are a joy. You have best friends for life. Family is a gift. 

9: Yes! It has given me so many personalities and life experiences to write from.

@melodywinslet family of 9

1: In the beginning my parents didn’t intend to have children, at least for quite a while, instead wanting to work in the public sphere to further God’s Kingdom. Eventually they realised that this was the wrong way to approach it, that being open to a family and welcoming children as they came was really at the root of honouring God. So they began their family and had nine children in the end.

2: There aren’t a lot of like-minded families in our area, so growing up my siblings and I were often the only other children around to play with. Because there are so many of us, we still had some variety in our playmates. I also like the attention we bring when we’re in public, in that we’re a silent witness to our faith.

3: There can be very little time to yourself. As an introvert it’s difficult when I come home from work, ready to be alone for a while, but I don’t have my own room, or my younger brothers come asking me to play with them. Or Mum asks me to help out with some chores, which (though a totally reasonable request :P ) can be frustrating when I’m tired from my day at work!

4: To a certain degree, yes, although perhaps not really deliberately. I think it’s more an attitude of “oh, that never happens!” or people simply don’t think of it at all, leading to unintentional discrimination. I don’t have a lot of experience being discriminated against, but what I do remember repeatedly happening is the “family rate” at restaurants, museums, and so on, which usually only cover two adults and two or four children. As a result, we couldn’t often go out as a family since we simply couldn’t afford the full rates.

5: No one has ever made a rude comment to me or my parents in my presence. Amazement or even admiration have been more common in my experience! (“Are these all yours?!?!?”) I have been mistaken for my littlest brothers’ mother in the past, though, and my mother for their grandmother, since we’re so far apart in age! XD

6: I would love to have a big family. When the eleven of us are all together, it really doesn’t feel like that many people to me, it just feels normal—and I think a smaller family would feel strange to me. Not to mention, I would like my children to have the same opportunity for sibling friendships and also for character formation that I’ve had. I think it would be quite lonely to only have one or two siblings!

7: I think many people have this idea that big families are always loud and busy. To a degree that’s true, but honestly, like I said above, it rarely feels unmanageably busy. I mean, it’s not like one day you’re a newlywed couple and the next day you have ten children! All my siblings are spaced out by about two years, so becoming a large family was a gradual process and we had time to get used to the slow increase in size.

8: We’re really not that different from anyone else! I hear parents of smaller families talking about how impossibly busy they feel sometimes, so really, their experience doesn’t sound so different from that of larger families. If anything, I would think a big family could actually be a little easier to manage, since the older children are able to help out with both the younger children and the chores.

9: Yes, absolutely. It’s harder to be selfish because there’s more that needs to be done that Mum can’t handle on her own. As the eldest daughter, I’ve always had to take on a sizeable amount of responsibility: childcare, cooking, chores… All of that experience has prepared me well for running my own home and family eventually. You also develop a lot of patience and learn people skills, having to deal with so many different personalities in your immediate family alone.

And finally, my answers

@naomikenyonauthor family of 11

1: They both agreed that God was in control, and that he would give them as many kids as he thought they could handle.

2: So many people to talk to! 

3: Maybe when we all fight at the same time. It can get loud! 😂

4: Absolutely. There are very little places that have good family prices for us, and there's sometimes a limit to how many people can stay at campsite/hotels. It gets frustrating. We are often looked at as numbers rather than people who make up a family. I do believe it's usually unintentionally, because people don't expect such big families, but I feel like we should be developing a more big family friendly culture.

5: "That's disgusting." "You do know what causes that?" "Better you than me." "You do know what birth control is, right?" The whole shebang. We even had someone call our 15 passenger van a "rape van." There is a good mixture of positive comments too though. But in a society that encourages people to "you do you" it is frustrating when that slogan doesn't apply to big families, and some think they have the authority to tell us how we should live and what our family should be like. I think most of those comments are more of ignorance. That is the reason I made this Q&A, to bring awareness and education!

6: I am very opened to having a big family if that is what God has in store for me! If he gives me a little family, I will also be content. It's all up to Him! So we will see! 😉

7: That we sing together. 😆 Some people see all big families as the Von Trapp family! 

8: That we are all individuals that make a family! We aren't a mass or a number. We all have our own interests and personalities! 

9: definitely! I wouldn't be who I am today without it! It has taught me how to get along with a lot of different personalities and ages! I'm still working on the patience part. 😅